feeling... meh

song- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yr5_CFuzkK4

i'm working on a series of drawings of all the people in one of my classes. im not exactly sure why.

obsession

am i obessed?

thoughts

song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teXA8N3aF9M&feature=related it is impossible to say what it's really about, as i have no idea. but it captures my mood.

so i had this idea. a real thesis. something a thought was a decent philosophy.

then, someone who i've kinda known for a while but hadn't ever really talked to (that i came to respect intellectually QUITE fast) absolutely shredded my argument with ease. i hadn't bothered to come up with good examples, or much backing. i expected to simply be correct on genius credit.

i went home and came up with ways to back up my argument. im not certain im correct. not even 50% certain.

i had a blog post planned. it was three pages long in a notebook, i'd wrote it out during a class i ironically share with this person. the long conversation i had changed every single thing that i was thinking that day.

one decision i made a while later... im probably going to stop going to the patio afterschool. quite simply, i dont end up doing anything THAT interesting there. i spend every hour of every day of my life busy lately, and i just dont have time to waste. i'll go to a few clubs, but the patio jsut isn't a good use of my time.

my birthday party was a lot of fun. i love you all. it's a shame about those who missed it. olr if i forgot to invite them. i feel so guilty about that.

only one thing remains that i still want to post. and it's not an opinion. it's that my entire body aches.... i hate being sick.

and then, the person upon whom i've developed feelings. im not exactly trying to forget it, but it's hard to let go of. i have a class with them, and i think i look forward to that class too much, even though neither of us talks much in that class! then again, it is a pretty awesome class just from the teacher and other freinds lol. but i feel like the odds of it happening are too low to justify anything. meh.

i dunno what to say now. bye, i guess.

the crush

im not usually one to randomly divulge who i like. and im still not going to. drama to the point of controversy would result. it's nobody anybody would expect. not a repeat of anything. it's not a mistake either. just a choice i never made.

im going to do two posts today, and i'll do a song for each...

here's deathcab's "i will posess your heart"... song about a stalker. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq-yP7mb8UE&feature=related

the song fascinates me. it displays the progression of a single thought into more and more, until obsession. thus, the slow, building four minute intro.

untitled

http://breederbeware.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/930919.gif

this comic is my post. i cant say anything more perfect.

the music for the post is 'phendrana drifts', a truly beautiful metal remix of a video game theme. one of the favorite memories i've ever had was listening to it in a car on a windy road in the Adirondack mountains, with the wind in my hair an a million stars across the sky during a meteor shower.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Y8UkplvP7Y

balance?

everything seems to balance itself out somehow. for weeks, i'd been worried about someone committing suicide and it just blew over and everything was fine. my best friend regained his personality and has reformed himself completely. my friends went from gloomy to happy overnight, even the weather went from rainy, cloudy and rainy to warm and sunny. i had a hilarious time

yet, that perfect friday was not to last. yesterday morning, i checked my phone's online counterpart, to see how many texts i was sending and receiving in relation. we paid extra for some nifty features, one of which displays different people's text data separately. and what i discovered was slightly upsetting.. neither of the two people i consider my best friends has replied to text i've sent in a week and a half and two weeks, respectively. yet i average something like 0.6 and 0.7 texts to them per day. it's not a nice feeling. it's insulting.

i was going to talk to tehm both about it friday, but i was stopped by two things... one of them returned to his old self. it was shocking, because i'd adjusted to the shell of a person he was so completley. it was like i had been born color blind, but didn't notice the difference until i was suddenly able to see in shades other then grey. and that's the biggest difference in him... he's colorful again. like he always used to be. yet before he was just blank.

then there's why i never mentioned the complete lack of responses to the other friend. even though the friend everyone was worried about is still here (let's call her byrdy to avoid confusion), she's seemingly gone through yet another personality change. i was made aware of the fact that byrdy had been giving my friend much of the same, but worse. she was so upset, i really couldn't bear to point out the hippocracy. it wasn't the time or the place. if she reads this, i guess it will be. i also thought of parallels between the way i had been with the formerly blank friend. feeling like i was being made less important. being passed over for people he'd met only a few weeks previous. feeling like he takes advantage of how willing i always am to be there, yet only when he wants it. that last one has yet to fade either.

but there's another way the happiniess in my extended group of freinds was kept about equal... one of the friends i've had for the longest EVER had a break up with her BF... im also pretty sure it wasn't her decision. i've been talking to her almost nonstop the last 24 hours but i haven't asked her. we've talked about uno cards, the color blue, instruments and music, jack ludlum's hair and the massively multiplayer online stock market investing. why have i not yet asked her about what happened in her relationship? because i know her. she doesn't want to talk about it! and yet i could see on facebook (i belieive, from a comment she made, that the texting is even more) she was being spammed with people saying "want to talk?" or even worse, asking her what happened. some people like to talk about what's bothering them, like me. but she wouldn't want to. but she'd feel obligated to answer every one. this person has been through all the imagined issues of anyone like 'byrdy', only it actually happened, and worse. she was with her BF for so long it never even occured they'd be split by anything other then going to seperate colleges. im worried about her... he was a really reliable part of her life. i'm rearranging my schedule as much as possible to hang out with her. i might even try to get my parents to let her stay in the overnight half of my birthday party.... whatever it takes.

and, while, half my world is in drama, it's still mostly mundane. im getting a new ipod soon. i've procrastinating washing my socks. i have homework. i got a very good book for my birthday and i loved it.

here's the song of the post... "A kiss to build a dream on" by louie armstrong. the decades have not, nor will they ever, wear the perfection of this jazz classic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sgMjyy7G6w&feature=related

Tommorow is my birthday...

i feel like i'm becoming distant from my closest friends and spending all my time around the people i only kinda get along with.

i did parkour for the first time in ages today. i had a minor rap battle with a friend. i wrote 5 songs. yet, i dont feel fulfilled. im aching for something yet i cant find it, or even find what it is.

to listen to my thoughts, listen to this song, even if you dont like the genre: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_42kyQiEBs8 even though i have nobody in particular that the "love story" side of this song is directed at, the tone of the song matches my mindset perfectly.

but then to the thing that presses on my mind oddly lightly. much like the constant pressure from my crooked ribcage, it's a bother that only seems to be there when i pay attention to it, but occasionally pops up at random. one of my friends has a very shortsighted, conflict causing, and generally selfish plan. nothing i can do will sway this person's mind simply because their mind is made up, and im not close enough to sway them even if it wasn't. this idea will become complete on September sixteenth. my birthday. perhaps it was all an attention plea, maybe it'll turn out we all worried needlessly. i certainly hope so. both my closest friends will be torn to shreds if it happens.

what happens then? second time it'll have happened at my school in four months. that's something like a one in one thousand ratio. and this is something that only happens six times a day in the entire country. there are about 25,000,000 teens in america. our school has maybe 2000 teenagers in it? so the rate at which a teenager does this is about once in 4 166 666days. so a group of 200 students should have perhaps one instance of this every 2083 days. mathematically, it should occur in our school once every 5.7 years.

just getting my thoughts out

for some reason, writing songs makes it a lot easier

separation from my best friend makes me worry second guessing, second rating all the stress i swear i can hear my teeth grating, i just dont know how to act to the person i thought understood me best. but my best guess is that he's envious turning jealous with the rest that his fear is i'll overstrip him once it comes to a test but that's not my intent he's the one who discovered my talents, but i've lost any sense of ways that we can relate it went from making me wait cuz he was late to not responding, nothing at all emotions reached free fall level but in a way i understand the origins of the wedge and why it got so far outta hand cuz when we first sat on that bench we were broken souls but now im fixing, filling the wholes and im whole again and he's STILL broken so when he sees me we just cant understand im in recovery he's barley past relapse but it's hardly a surprise just look at his past. to the point i doubt that if i was put in his shoes for any amount of time i'd do half as well cuz he lives in hell, "support" his life could not even spell. but what miffs and mixes me up is why he's decided im not worth it or is it just a bad day? am i just paranoid? or am i on to something? either way i HAVE copied many things he's done sometimes im unoriginal and far from number one but when we said that we were brothers, among them im the young, so i do look up to you, it's true, wanna sue? but if you dont like it, and i guess you dont seeing the whole way you've taken to treating me like im just annoying, guess i am but ever since i got back we've been on different tracks maybe it was inevitable but i want back but it's still a fact that he change so fast i cant predict maybe im sick of this shit. im tired of best friends who cant make up their mind if they adore me or not, it changes every time, like this week im cool but tomorrow i can rot. im really not feeling friends who cant help be hypocrites, like when they do something, fine but if i mess up or try then it's gonna get them pissed? but what the fuck can i do i care about them too much to speak my mind nasty thoughts in line but out of luck cuz i just dont have the time to argue with the people with whom i care most but maybe thats why they dont give any thought to if my mind is in pain or in coast mode because i never say the things that load me down or put my head on edge.

meh.

some thoughts

i've been ordered by a friend to make posts that aren't just music.

so i guess i'll say a few words on the plans for my birthday party.... i have a difficult group of friends to plan anything like that for. so many people dislike each other. and im accustomed to not really getting involved, and simply sympathizing with the side of whoever im around.

but figuring out who to invite... complicated. more so because there are two halves to it, a group that will stay for the party until 11 or whenever, and then a smaller group that will stay the entire night. an issue with the big group is that there are a few girls who i realy want to invite but i dont want to feel awkward in a dudefest, and with a group of around 12 people, i cant say the problem with many people not knowing each other wont crop up.

but the smaller group could be even worse. just in case anyone is reading this who i dont know (as if) i'll refer to people by the first letter of their names. the group i want for the sleepover half is S, E, C, and O.

E and O have had issues getting along. C doesn't like S. C is annoyed at O. E and C have tensions. of course, C is possibly mad at me. he also has a habit of blowing my plans off...

i dont think that in the main party part, anyone will have significant issues, aside from one person who is probably reading this right now lol. if you plan to go you'll have to be social!

but on less of an organizer note, i'm anxious about my birthday. for the last few years, by birthday has simply been a day of reminder that i was an unaccepted person. it amazes me to realize just how low i was only one year ago.

well. that's what's on my mind....

SEX.

now that i have your attention,
SEX.

so i was thinking about SEX and i decided that i would do some sort of SEX related SEX post where every time i use the word SEX the word SEX would be in all SEX capital letters SEX.

no, but seriously, i feel a little like a forced asshole lately. -__- something about the making univerally offensive jokes, planning out being a dick to people im nt going to bother to pretend to like. i've definitley already had an erffect on karla... wow i cant even remember if her last name starts with a k or a C. anyway, my decision to completley ignore her is probably for teh best. tho she was pretty upset. i jsut cant pretend i care. i'm going overboard with racist/sexist jokes. and being insensitive, i dunno.

i have such a bad headache. my braces were adjusted and it's pulling my jaw apart...

links to various beats

I've really grown as a producer the last few weeks.

here are a few of my tracks, for those who are curious.

'i haff nozing'

i didn't know what to call it. got lots of fun drum loops and a really cool trombone bassline, with a very techno pluck bass sound.
http://solidfiles.com/d/83fe/

"submarine lullaby"

based of the song "lullaby" by billy joel and the maridia theme from super metroid, for the super nintendo. a very calm song. probably not a rap beat but i'm putting it on the page anyway.
http://solidfiles.com/d/de715/
EXTRA- played guitar into my mic and added it in.

http://solidfiles.com/d/cece/

'ur a towel' or 'ur a tool'

a very random beat based of a saxophone and the sound of glass breaking. im 50% sure i ripped the sax notes off from something but i don't know what.
http://solidfiles.com/d/8f56/

"swish swah"

a very industrial/break beat with turntable scratches all over the place and a piano with a tech bass. very raw for my usual stuff.

http://solidfiles.com/d/fbf9a/

"army man"

remake of an old one of mine. i was going to make "taps" the chorus but was too lazy. it samples something but i don't remember what.

http://solidfiles.com/d/f44b/

-

a very unique work. im trying to arrange a collaboration, but the guy is pretty picky about his beat style. it's probably worth it, tho. he's pretty damn good.

http://solidfiles.com/d/fe5b/

"dark lord of the beats"

one of my coolest beats. it's a remix of imperial march from star wars. it's teh awesumz.

http://solidfiles.com/d/92741/

"feeling good"

a remix of "feel good" by gorillaz. i say remix, because unlike most of the sample based songs i do, the point of this song is that it is similar to but different from the original. also, the origional song was a rap song, so i cant exactly sample it to make a rap beat. lol
http://solidfiles.com/d/3cad8/

"cuz i said"
very similar to a beat i made a while based off a deathnote theme. both sad and slightly angry.
samples- because by the beatles

http://solidfiles.com/d/aaa0/

'might have been me'

a very sad/dramatic piece. all instruments that sound like srings are pianos played backwrds. all instruments that sound like pianos are strings played backwards.

samples lil wayne's lolipop
http://solidfiles.com/d/50b3d/

'guitar wip"

based on very clangy guitar recordings by yours truly.

http://solidfiles.com/d/178f9/

"is there anyone"

a song based off a sample. orchestrated, guitars and a sampled chorus.

samples john mayer's belief.

http://solidfiles.com/d/76fc/

"teh crunch beat"

a very percussion-heavy track with a kind of apathetic mood.

http://solidfiles.com/d/d783/

'dont care'

this will hopefully become the first song i actually record. it has a major backstory, and the lyrics are one blog post down from here.

samples i dont care by apocalyptica

http://solidfiles.com/d/8381/

"orch"
a mostly orchestrated beat with a serious tone. has very big beats.
http://solidfiles.com/d/e74a6/

'dundadun'

this might have been my best work to date if i'd mastered it a little better. i think it's my best composition, at least. a somewhat epic beat. uses: pianos, electric guitars, steel drums, harps, a viola, a bass guitar, and all kinds of percussion.

http://solidfiles.com/d/d33b/

'gotta be gone'

an instrumental mashup of "gotta believe it" and "when im gone", with a clap, saxophone, and cello added. very sad, will be used in my team project as a death lament.
samples gotta believe it by saigon and when im gone by eminem

http://solidfiles.com/d/a9344/

"music tox"
about 3/4s of all the music i make, i delete before i ever create a final version. this is an example of something i would normally delete... i just isn't quite perfect enough. i like it tho.

http://solidfiles.com/d/2e3f/

"mainstream"
the very first beat i ever made in this style. was planned to be used in a diss or serious criticism but has kind of "fallen behind the shelf" to me.

sampes whiled cat by loggy.

http://solidfiles.com/d/86da/

"rih nao"

a happy, silly remix of 'the rockafeller skank' with big techno influence.

samples:

the rockafeller skank- fat boy slim

drive- incubus

why does my heart feel so bad- moby

burnt jamb- weezer

http://solidfiles.com/d/30fd/

this is only a small sampling of my 40-odd works that i still own the rights to. for more, you'll have to ask in person. :D

Lyrics to a song i made

today, i made a song based on a sample from "i don't care". i wrote lyrics, and quite simply, the lyrics are the best i've written yet.

this is the instrumental to the song: http://solidfiles.com/d/8381/

here are the lyrics. this is not all of them, and this is not the final order.

freestyle one
i don't get why you lie, but i still try to understand what in your mind makes you decide to spit your rhymes. i close my eyes and i just sigh 'cuz you just aren't worth my time. but i don't need to be a spy to see that it's yourself you fry; you're gonna crash and burn and die.

verse one

i always try my best to be considerate of you
respect your touchy subjects and do stuff you wanna do

three times now i have thought 'there's no more chances, it's his last'
you're three for three for blowing them, forgiveness time is past

one day that girl will leave and you'll ask where'd all my friends go?
and in your time of need i may be there but i dunno.

that i should just step back and let you fall is what they say
and whether i agree, it changes almost every day

verse two
remember on that bench that day you said "you're my best friend"?
i prol'ly would have laughed had i foreseen the way we end

i tried to do the right thing but by now i've simply learned
when offered you just take and never give back in return

not bothering to stop your being fake, i've had enough

now go hang with your girl and mistake your love and lust.

so if you want your life to be an act, well then have fun
just go and say your piece behind my back, because i'm done

verse three
i remember bag of pasta, spyro, stolen milk crate
up until the fair when it all changed and now it's too late

so come on open up a little, tell me what's happening

if it wasn't for you i wouldn't even be rapping!

you showed me to the game, abandoned me, what am i now?
i wanna be the greatest ever seen but don't know how!

so i'll just put your plans on hold indefinitely too
cuz honestly i'm running out of breath from chasing you

verse four

i feel like telling you cuz there's no doubt you've gone astray
should i let out all the things on my mind or make them stay?

now notice that throughout this i've refrained from being mean
this song is not about that cuz i know the pain you've seen

your mom, your grades, your girls, your life
your brother, your rage, your wrist, the knife

line

line

verse five

i hate what's happened with us, you were like my brother man!

but i guess i was wrong cuz clearly you've made other plans!

having fun, hiking down a river, just being stupid
everything was going great till you got struck by cupid.

line

line

you'll notice im not mad it's not a diss it's a lament

cuz im just learning to accept that this is where you went

verse six

line

line

i feel like i always give you respect you dont deserve!

cuz every ball you throw me's got an unexpected curve.

no time for me, just blow me off, i've seen all your dealings.

clearly you think that i'm just a machine'ts got no feelings!

line

line

freestyle three

maybe you dont think it's fair get pissed and swear but i'm not scared i'll only stare 'cuz you're a burden i wont bear and im the burden without time to spare to hold the air inside my lungs im unimpressed by who or where cuz guess what i no longer care.

Chris's response:

I Know i been a jerk and personality has more then one quirk here let me be honest when i said we were brothers i meant it that was a promise i do wanna be friends so that's why i respond to make amends the reason i rap and use all my free time to rhyme is a simple i have a love for the rap game it's a way for me to vent my frustration and pain my art my form of expression the meds to get em outta the depression my brother i can't take this aggression so listen to my suggestion lets squash this beef have some fun say screw it go to the woods and run but if not i guess i'm done"

-chris cruz aka sugar-water-red aka ConCept

-note to chris- i changed 'fuck' in your freestyle to "screw". the whole song has no swearing, (didn't even plan it) i figure it makes sense to keep it that way.


...this is how it actually happened, for those who wonder.

Wasted Day?

i leave for camp in what, 5 days? maybe 4. that's all the time i have in contact with my freinds and family for an entire month.

what did i do today? i pretty much sat around doing nothing. playing with my music creation program, but every time i was almost done with a song i would just delete the entire thing and start over. i also wasn't having the slightest bit of creativity. every single one was entireley sampler based, no real composing of my own involved.

also, i haven't eaten enough today. i had a banana and a small bowl of cheerios for breakfast. that's all I've eaten today. yet despite the fact that im in my kitchen as i type, i dont feel like eating anything,even though my stomach hurts.

tonight, im going to a sleepover. I'm going to see the person that is half my best friend for the first time in weeks. i've been holding in a lot of anger at the other half of him all for tonight. i didn't want to make it awkward, but i honestly dont know how i'll react spending a whole night aroud him. last time i made a plan with this person, they blew me off saying they didn't want to do anything that day, and then i found him on my way home from what i had been doing. upon seeing me, he ran away. i have a few choice words i dont want to say as to the cowardice of that action.

i'll talk about why me and him are mad at each other in some later post...

additionally, i dont know how he will react. where i've been carefully hiding my seething anger at his decisions, he has made no secret of his contempt.... or at least it feels that way. he's going to be a lot more impulsive as the night goes on, and it's going to be hard to stay the bigger man if he actively tries to provoke me. :( overall, he's not reliable for sticking to social plans, and i honestly hope he doesn't go tonight.

overall, i feel like I've wasted my day. i haven't produced anything, i didn't get anything packed for camp, i haven't gotten ready for the sleepover, i just... wasted it...

now im going to go eat something, my hands are shaking.

A Song I Made:

i do a lot of music. today, i created a remix (sort of) of the SMB airship theme.

http://solidfiles.com/d/5fb8/

see if this works...

hello

ok, testing, this thing on?