feeling... meh

song- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yr5_CFuzkK4

i'm working on a series of drawings of all the people in one of my classes. im not exactly sure why.

obsession

am i obessed?

thoughts

song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teXA8N3aF9M&feature=related it is impossible to say what it's really about, as i have no idea. but it captures my mood.

so i had this idea. a real thesis. something a thought was a decent philosophy.

then, someone who i've kinda known for a while but hadn't ever really talked to (that i came to respect intellectually QUITE fast) absolutely shredded my argument with ease. i hadn't bothered to come up with good examples, or much backing. i expected to simply be correct on genius credit.

i went home and came up with ways to back up my argument. im not certain im correct. not even 50% certain.

i had a blog post planned. it was three pages long in a notebook, i'd wrote it out during a class i ironically share with this person. the long conversation i had changed every single thing that i was thinking that day.

one decision i made a while later... im probably going to stop going to the patio afterschool. quite simply, i dont end up doing anything THAT interesting there. i spend every hour of every day of my life busy lately, and i just dont have time to waste. i'll go to a few clubs, but the patio jsut isn't a good use of my time.

my birthday party was a lot of fun. i love you all. it's a shame about those who missed it. olr if i forgot to invite them. i feel so guilty about that.

only one thing remains that i still want to post. and it's not an opinion. it's that my entire body aches.... i hate being sick.

and then, the person upon whom i've developed feelings. im not exactly trying to forget it, but it's hard to let go of. i have a class with them, and i think i look forward to that class too much, even though neither of us talks much in that class! then again, it is a pretty awesome class just from the teacher and other freinds lol. but i feel like the odds of it happening are too low to justify anything. meh.

i dunno what to say now. bye, i guess.

the crush

im not usually one to randomly divulge who i like. and im still not going to. drama to the point of controversy would result. it's nobody anybody would expect. not a repeat of anything. it's not a mistake either. just a choice i never made.

im going to do two posts today, and i'll do a song for each...

here's deathcab's "i will posess your heart"... song about a stalker. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq-yP7mb8UE&feature=related

the song fascinates me. it displays the progression of a single thought into more and more, until obsession. thus, the slow, building four minute intro.

untitled

http://breederbeware.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/930919.gif

this comic is my post. i cant say anything more perfect.

the music for the post is 'phendrana drifts', a truly beautiful metal remix of a video game theme. one of the favorite memories i've ever had was listening to it in a car on a windy road in the Adirondack mountains, with the wind in my hair an a million stars across the sky during a meteor shower.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Y8UkplvP7Y

balance?

everything seems to balance itself out somehow. for weeks, i'd been worried about someone committing suicide and it just blew over and everything was fine. my best friend regained his personality and has reformed himself completely. my friends went from gloomy to happy overnight, even the weather went from rainy, cloudy and rainy to warm and sunny. i had a hilarious time

yet, that perfect friday was not to last. yesterday morning, i checked my phone's online counterpart, to see how many texts i was sending and receiving in relation. we paid extra for some nifty features, one of which displays different people's text data separately. and what i discovered was slightly upsetting.. neither of the two people i consider my best friends has replied to text i've sent in a week and a half and two weeks, respectively. yet i average something like 0.6 and 0.7 texts to them per day. it's not a nice feeling. it's insulting.

i was going to talk to tehm both about it friday, but i was stopped by two things... one of them returned to his old self. it was shocking, because i'd adjusted to the shell of a person he was so completley. it was like i had been born color blind, but didn't notice the difference until i was suddenly able to see in shades other then grey. and that's the biggest difference in him... he's colorful again. like he always used to be. yet before he was just blank.

then there's why i never mentioned the complete lack of responses to the other friend. even though the friend everyone was worried about is still here (let's call her byrdy to avoid confusion), she's seemingly gone through yet another personality change. i was made aware of the fact that byrdy had been giving my friend much of the same, but worse. she was so upset, i really couldn't bear to point out the hippocracy. it wasn't the time or the place. if she reads this, i guess it will be. i also thought of parallels between the way i had been with the formerly blank friend. feeling like i was being made less important. being passed over for people he'd met only a few weeks previous. feeling like he takes advantage of how willing i always am to be there, yet only when he wants it. that last one has yet to fade either.

but there's another way the happiniess in my extended group of freinds was kept about equal... one of the friends i've had for the longest EVER had a break up with her BF... im also pretty sure it wasn't her decision. i've been talking to her almost nonstop the last 24 hours but i haven't asked her. we've talked about uno cards, the color blue, instruments and music, jack ludlum's hair and the massively multiplayer online stock market investing. why have i not yet asked her about what happened in her relationship? because i know her. she doesn't want to talk about it! and yet i could see on facebook (i belieive, from a comment she made, that the texting is even more) she was being spammed with people saying "want to talk?" or even worse, asking her what happened. some people like to talk about what's bothering them, like me. but she wouldn't want to. but she'd feel obligated to answer every one. this person has been through all the imagined issues of anyone like 'byrdy', only it actually happened, and worse. she was with her BF for so long it never even occured they'd be split by anything other then going to seperate colleges. im worried about her... he was a really reliable part of her life. i'm rearranging my schedule as much as possible to hang out with her. i might even try to get my parents to let her stay in the overnight half of my birthday party.... whatever it takes.

and, while, half my world is in drama, it's still mostly mundane. im getting a new ipod soon. i've procrastinating washing my socks. i have homework. i got a very good book for my birthday and i loved it.

here's the song of the post... "A kiss to build a dream on" by louie armstrong. the decades have not, nor will they ever, wear the perfection of this jazz classic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sgMjyy7G6w&feature=related

Tommorow is my birthday...

i feel like i'm becoming distant from my closest friends and spending all my time around the people i only kinda get along with.

i did parkour for the first time in ages today. i had a minor rap battle with a friend. i wrote 5 songs. yet, i dont feel fulfilled. im aching for something yet i cant find it, or even find what it is.

to listen to my thoughts, listen to this song, even if you dont like the genre: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_42kyQiEBs8 even though i have nobody in particular that the "love story" side of this song is directed at, the tone of the song matches my mindset perfectly.

but then to the thing that presses on my mind oddly lightly. much like the constant pressure from my crooked ribcage, it's a bother that only seems to be there when i pay attention to it, but occasionally pops up at random. one of my friends has a very shortsighted, conflict causing, and generally selfish plan. nothing i can do will sway this person's mind simply because their mind is made up, and im not close enough to sway them even if it wasn't. this idea will become complete on September sixteenth. my birthday. perhaps it was all an attention plea, maybe it'll turn out we all worried needlessly. i certainly hope so. both my closest friends will be torn to shreds if it happens.

what happens then? second time it'll have happened at my school in four months. that's something like a one in one thousand ratio. and this is something that only happens six times a day in the entire country. there are about 25,000,000 teens in america. our school has maybe 2000 teenagers in it? so the rate at which a teenager does this is about once in 4 166 666days. so a group of 200 students should have perhaps one instance of this every 2083 days. mathematically, it should occur in our school once every 5.7 years.